Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
