Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
