that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
