this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
