At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
3 2 1 whiskey
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
