I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
