If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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