3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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