i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You ruined the universe
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
