the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
