You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
