The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
