she was so not down for the gang bang
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
