I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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