Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
