I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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