I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
