God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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