i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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