I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
