I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
