Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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