It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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