my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
