You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
