The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
