Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
