you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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