i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
