I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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