So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
