just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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