saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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