either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
