I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
