no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
