brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
