I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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