what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
