my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
