i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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