i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
