Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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