i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
