don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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