I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
