hotel room ftw
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
