Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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