Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
