If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
