Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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