just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
